HELL (Fox News) Satan defended Lt. Gen. William Boykin and U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in a heated press conference Sunday, though he refused to call either man one of his own.
“Boykin is doing some great work up there fomenting discord, but more like a dupe than an agent. Heck, he’s probably the only guy in Washington who has given an honest opinion in the last two years,” said the Prince of Darkness. “He’s a fine blend of idiocy and good intentions.”
Satan also continued to stonewall on the Rumsfeld scandal. Hell has been ablaze with rumors ever since an anonymous administration source leaked that Rumsfeld is a covert operative. The Perdition Press, owned by News Corp., stands by the story, but Satan will neither confirm nor deny it.
“We all know that the laws of this realm prohibit me from divulging such information,” he said, smiling. “Anyway, it’s hard for me to lie on a yes-or-no question first you’ll assume that the truth is the opposite of what I say, then you’ll assume that I would assume that you would assume that, and so on. I’ll just save us all the headache by not answering.”
The leaker’s identity has become the most controversial topic here since the debate over free dental care for gnashers. Satan has promised to find the guilty party, promote him or her, and blame a scapegoat, but some doubt that the investigation will lead anywhere.
“Look, the chief suspects are the devil’s closest advisors,” said Fox News Hell analyst Leon Trotsky. “They’re mostly American politicians the boss tends to ignore Stalin, Mao, and Hitler, the drama queens. He’s into subtlety, fellows who know how to work within the system to boost human misery. But you give one of these Americans credit for the leak, and next thing you know, he’s running the place.”
A highly placed Pentagram official, speaking on condition of anonymity, dismissed Satan’s underworld critics.
“These tormented souls have been discredited. They claimed that a war on Islam would make the world more peaceful. Were they right? Judge for yourself,” the official said. “Have we made some mistakes? Possibly. Were we a bit too hasty to enlist Michael Ledeen as a mouthpiece? Perhaps. Is his prose intolerably pompous and facile? Certainly. Still, he’s working hard to start World War IV, and so are we.”
Reactions to Hell’s crisis varied in America.
According to noted libertarian Ronald Bailey, “Freedom does not stop at the earth’s crust. Hell is a closed society. We ignore it at our own peril.”
Conservative pundit Ann Coulter proposed an aggressive response.
“I say let’s kill ’em all and convert ’em to Christianity,” she wrote in her syndicated column last week.
Others advised caution, however.
“Hell is the only democracy in the subterranean, but it has been libeled by the anti-Satanic media. We must stand by our ally in its time of need,” said defense expert Richard Perle.