A Flat Earth New Year

There is plenty of evidence that the earth is actually flat. I have personally driven on route 66 out west and noted that the road is perfectly flat and runs in a straight line. Those pictures you see of the globelike earth allegedly taken from the moon are fake, as was the fraudulent moon landing in 1969, which was actually filmed in Arizona. The round earth fraud was fabricated many centuries ago by Muslim extremists named Galileo and Copernicus, both of whom became Catholics to conceal their nefarious activities. More recently their heirs and successors established Sharia law in New Mexico in a town called Roswell, covering up their subversions by pretending to be aliens from outer space. Today’s Muslims think that demonstrating that the earth is round and orbits around the sun will disorient patriotic Americans who can find no evidence of that in the Bible, causing them to give up their guns and making the United States vulnerable to attack by the Iranian army, which is well known to possess weapons of mass destruction as well as powerful gliders that can cross the Atlantic Ocean and deliver bombs with surgical precision. Flat Earthers do not want to see the smoking gun become a mushroom cloud.

Many other people know that the earth is flat, though few are willing to admit publicly that it is so for fear of dreadful punishment by the Muslim extremists, who were recently detected introducing Sharia law in Oklahoma so they can close all the churches; reestablish the Caliphate; start chopping off hands and feet; and ban pork products, alcohol and public education for women. Those who subscribe to the Flat Earth concept understand that if we succeed in creating a national Flat Earth consensus a lot of other good things will come along with it so they persevere in spite of the danger.

Flat Earthers believe in a number of things that appear to defy logic, but they know that they will eventually be proven right. They have several sacred texts that are linked to their beliefs. The most venerable is James Ussher’s The Annals of the World, written in 1658, which determined that the world was created on Sunday, October 23rd, 4004 BC. Ussher was the Archbishop of Armagh and the Protestant Prelate of all Ireland, so he certainly knew what he was writing about. He was probably the first genuine Flat Earther and if he were around today he would no doubt be able to prove that all those fossils of dinosaurs lying around are fake and were planted by the Muslim extremists, who themselves have a calendar that begins in 622 A.D. with no fixed date for the creation of the world because of their heathenish ignorance of the theological importance of such a number.

Flat Earthers are not afraid to take political positions. A recent holy text is called The Tea Party Goes to Washington, which was written by Senator Rand Paul, or possibly with the considerable assistance of someone else who actually penned it for him after translating it from the original Aramaic. Flat Earth scholars are divided in their opinions. Rand has promised that everything will change for the better after health care is abolished and government attempts to adopt new standards for light bulbs and washing machines are abandoned. At that point, universal Flat Earth can be proclaimed, but Rand later amended his view to indicate that it might take a while and a few compromises will have to be made along the way. He explained that it is important to have the Republican Party really like you first, just as it graciously came around to celebrate his father after first banning most of his convention delegates on procedural grounds. Ron Paul was subsequently honored with a three minute and forty second video played at a time when the convention hall was empty to commemorate his 22 years in politics.

Having suddenly discovered that there are Muslims in Oklahoma Rand has decided that we Americans will have to deal with them firmly, first by cutting off all aid to Pakistan and other countries known to harbor cowardly extremists who reportedly do not like us very much because we have been blowing them up. He has begun to waffle on the issue of aid to Israel, arguing that the problem is that the aid given to “unequivocal ally” Israel is actually less than that provided to all of Israel’s neighbors. It has possibly also been reported to Rand that the freedom loving Israelis really, genuinely, and sincerely appreciate our money. In fact, Rand will soon be traveling to Israel with his entire family to discover his “Judeo-Christian roots” and he will no doubt pick up a few pointers on what to do about Muslim extremists while he is there. To make Benjamin Netanyahu like him even better Rand has voted in favor of sticking it to the Iranians with even more sanctions, a necessary move to enhance America’s security given all the WMDs and supersonic gliders that the Mullahs are known to possess.

The Flat Earthers acknowledge Rand as the anointed son of Ron, which he certainly is biologically speaking, though some dissidents within the movement admit that he seems to have lost a few marbles along the way. There is a vague recollection making the rounds suggesting that father Ron opposed sanctions on Iran and also objected to all foreign aid, even for Israel. Never fear, however, as marbles are regarded as purely tactical devices in Washington politics and they can be replaced or even discarded. It is expected by Flat Earthers that Rand will get elected president in 2016 and will do all the great things that his father was unable to do, even if he has to make some sausage with cool guys like Senator Mitch McConnell to first demonstrate his seriousness.

Flat Earthers are reported to be divided on another political issue, but many believe that the next American Secretary of Defense will be a guy named Chuck Hagel, who once served as a Senator from Nebraska and who made the mistake of actually going off and fighting in the Vietnam War, where he was a brave soldier and got wounded. Everyone knows that all the smart guys in Washington carefully avoided that war, which would have interrupted their pursuit of advanced degrees at leading universities, degrees that later qualified them for all the top level positions at the Pentagon to keep out the riffraff like Hagel. On really solid ground for a change, the Flat Earthers who like Hagel point out that he is nevertheless eminently well qualified for the job and that he would be putting American interests first, something that has not happened since Dwight Eisenhower was president. They do note, however, that the appointment would require Commander in Chief Barack Obama to develop a spinal cord, something that similarly has not been observed in any president since Eisenhower. John F. Kennedy tried to develop one and was shot for his pains. One Flat Earth historian also notes that a formidable organization called “The Lobby” has never lost a fight with an American president also since Eisenhower, making the Vegas line on Hagel something like 100 to 1 against. Nevertheless, Flat Earthers are optimistic that it will be different this time around, particularly if the Muslim extremists can be held in check in the Sooner State.

So Flat Earthers are anticipating another great year in 2013 as long as the economy doesn’t completely tank. A world at peace except in a few places where it is necessary to show the ragheads what we mean, a really good Secretary of Defense instead of another timeserving lick-spittle political hack, and a presidential candidate in the offing who will really change things and make a difference as long as everyone is really patient and doesn’t expect too much. It only requires wanting it all real bad and believing to make it so.

Author: Philip Giraldi

Philip Giraldi, a former CIA officer, is a contributing editor to The American Conservative and executive director of the Council for the National Interest.