The Book of Netanyahu

by , May 26, 2011

On the First Day Lord Netanyahu met with his faithful counselor Count Avigdor.  Avigdor said, "O Lord Netanyahu, you must go even unto the land of the Obamaites to deal with their King.  The Obamaites have rendered unto us their gold and precious goods in great abundance but now their King is seeking to treat with our enemies."  Then Netanyahu spoke and his heart was full of anger. "Yea verily, we must smite them and also their wives and children and all that they hold dear.  For even as we have smitten the children of Canaan we will strike them.  They shall ken who is master and who is slave.  Prepare for me my chariot of gold and I will journey even unto the land of the Obamaites with my host.  Instruct our brethren in the land of the Obamaites to prepare for my coming with stealth.  Organize them with weapons ready at hand and instruct them to deceive the Obamaites by declaring fealty and respect for the Kingdom of Obama so the King’s retainers will not fear them.  When the King of the Obamaites declares his bad faith they shall be prepared to rise up and join us."  And so it was done.  Lord Netanyahu ascended into his chariot of gold to confront the King of the Obamaites and smite him sorely.  And the children of Israel rejoiced.

On the Second Day the King of the Obamaites ascended to his throne in the mighty castle hewn from white stone, the seat of his forefathers.  His thoughts were heavy but his heart was filled with cunning.  "My messengers have brought me news that afflicts me sorely.  Lord Netanyahu is coming in his chariot of gold with all his array even unto our land.  He will make demands from the people of Obama and his heart is filled with anger.  I will speak first to my people and grant Lord Netanyahu much of what he seeks and so we might avoid the righteous wrath of the Israelites."  And so the King of the Obamaites spake to his people, saying "Lord Netanyahu is approaching our lands in his golden chariot with his mighty host.  We have rendered unto the Israelites our gold and other precious goods and have pledged our fealty to them.  But we must do more to avoid the wrath of Lord Netanyahu.  We will grant Lord Netanyahu and the people of Israel all our goods and pledge our children and our children’s children for his wars against the Godless.  We will confirm our pledge that the Land of Israel shall be forever the Land of the Godly untainted by unbelievers.  More, we will use all our power to reject the false words of the children of Canaan, who have claimed the land of Israel for their own and seek to make league against her.  We will do all that and more, but we will reserve only one thing to ourselves.  Seeking peace for the Land of the Obamaites with the children of Canaan we will ask Lord Netanyahu to allow to them a small land of their own where they might settle in tranquility. That is all we shall ask."

On the Third Day Lord Netanyahu arrived even unto the Land of the Obamaites in his golden chariot accompanied by all his array.  And he waxed wroth at the false words spoken by the King of the Obamaites.  "I will go to confront the King of the Obamaites in his mighty castle hewn from white stone, the seat of his forefathers.  I will instruct him that the Lord God of the Israelites is a cruel master who will smite those who do not heed his word.  Why do the children of Canaan continue to vex us?  It is three score years and more since we made their lands our own and we have slain them a hundred fold.  Their raiment is torn and ragged.  They shall not find a place where they can pile stone upon stone for a dwelling, nor draw water to slake their thirst, nor plant seeds to grow corn for their sustenance.  Their wives and children will wander the earth but no one will grant them shelter."  And the King of the Obamaites feared greatly at the words of Lord Netanyahu for he knew that the God of the Israelites was a cruel God but just and would smite the Obamaites with the plagues that once descended on Egypt.  "I pledge my fealty to thee oh Lord Netanyahu for you are both just and powerful.  My people ask only your intercession to spare them from the wrath of the mighty God of the Israelites."  But Lord Netanyahu would not spare the Obamaites, for they had defied his own power and had erected false idols against the might of Israel’s God. "You know not of what you speak and you will feel my wrath when your own people rise up and call my name and that of the God of the Israelites."  And so Lord Netanyahu departed from the white castle wherein dwelt the King of the Obamaites, who was much shaken and fearful of the anger of the Israelites.

On the Fourth Day the King of the Obamaites went to the great meeting of the friends of Lord Netanyahu who dwelt in his land and his heart was filled with cunning.  "I will speak to them with guile and tell of my great love for Lord Netanyahu and the people of Israel lest they rise up and seize their weapons and bring suffering to the Land of Obama."  And so it was done, but the friends of Lord Netanyahu were not deceived and they saw through the falseness of the King of the Obamaites’ words.  But Lord Netanyahu bid them to conceal their displeasure and hide their weapons for a time as the wise counselor Count Avigdor had foreseen the cunning of the Obamaites.  Lord Netanyahu would challenge the power of the King of the Obamaites twice and even thrice and would smite him again, even as David smote Goliath.

On the Fifth Day Lord Netanyahu also went to the great meeting the friends of Israel who dwelt in the land of Obama.  His heart was filled with joy as a mighty roar rose to the heavens.  He told them "The words of the King of the Obamaites are false.  He seeks to make peace with the sons of Canaan but the God of the Israelites has said that the raiment of the sons of Canaan shall be torn.  They shall find neither shelter, nor water, nor sustenance and will wander the earth as do creatures of the forest and field, moving from place to place in search of a home but no one will succor them."  The friends of Israel then rose up as one and with a mighty voice affirmed the wisdom of Lord Netanyahu.  "We will rise up against the King of the Obamaites and destroy the false idols that he has erected.  We will rend asunder the children of Canaan."

On the Sixth Day Lord Netanyahu mounted his chariot of gold and boldly led his array unto the very seat of the nobles and liegemen of the realm of Obama.  Lord Netanyahu’s heart was filled with anger at the false words of the King of the Obamaites and he would shake the hall where the King’s own lords dwell as Samson smote the Philistines. He strode up to the brazen portal to the Great Hall and demanded "If the King of the Obamaites has courage let him come and face me before the leaders of his own people."  But the King of the Obamaites was sore afraid and he remained in his mighty castle of white stone, the seat of his forefathers, surrounded by his guards and retainers.  Lord Netanyahu stepped into the Royal palanquin, heavy with lapis and ebony, and six noble Lords bore him into the chamber.  More Lords prostrated themselves before him lest his foot should touch the ground.  Raised to the Royal dais, there he met with the nobles and liegemen of the Kingdom of Obama in their mighty hall and the men who had stood by and praised their King were sore afraid and trembled as Lord Netanyahu spake, for fear of the righteous wrath of the God of Israel.  "The King of the Obamaites has erected false idols in your land and his words are full of cunning.  The children of Canaan are cursed by God and cannot be friends of the Land of Obama.  This is what Lord Netanyahu and the God of Israel demand.  But the God of Israel is also compassionate.  If the people of the Land of Obama render their gold and precious goods to the Land of Israel and pledge their children to fight in Israel’s just wars, he will vouchsafe forgiveness."  At Lord Netanyahu’s words, the nobles and lords of the Land of Obama rose up as one, acclaiming "We pledge our fealty to the great Lord Netanyahu and the Land of Israel.  We shall be your liegemen in all that you do."  And so it was done and the people of Israel rejoiced.

Thus Endeth the Book of Netanyahu.

Read more by Philip Giraldi