Come on Down to the Intelligence Blowout Sale!

by , March 16, 2004

My fellow Americans, I’m angry. My blood started bubbling when I read that our government is still paying $340,000 per month to Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi, who calls himself a “hero in error” for spreading distortions that midwifed a war, is pulling down four million a year? Outrageous!

After all, the economy’s going through a rough spot. In this time of uncertainty and unemployment, we can ill afford more outsourcing. Yet, here’s Uncle Sam taking good jobs in intelligence manipulation away from Americans and giving them to foreigners—and it’s not like we’re paying sweatshop wages for the labor, either.

Moreover, if we aim to rule the world while running a first-class welfare state, then we’re gonna have to at least feign a little fiscal responsibility. Benevolent hegemony, national greatness, gourmet bread and well-regulated circuses—we want it all, and we want it fast. With the current pace of medical technology, however, the long run in which a great sage once said we’ll all be dead now seems farther away than ever. You wanna get caught with a smirk on your face and a paw full of IOUs when the kids figure out that today’s deficits are tomorrow’s slavery? I think not.

That’s why I, as a patriot and an entrepreneur, am offering my intelligence expertise to those who want to save a little money and buy American. Announcing the grand opening of Crazy Matt’s Bargain Intelligence Warehouse! Our shady but telegenic staff will be happy to assist you in designing a casus belli that fits your needs, at prices far below our competitors’. Wow Congress, outsmart the media, bamboozle the public—and marvel at your savings. With our help, you’ll be hopping from tactical pivot to strategic pivot to prize in no time!

The following is just a brief sample of our inventory:

  • Which country helped Saddam the most? France? Germany? Russia? North Korea? At Crazy Matt’s, we’re overstocked on non-U.S. culpability for Saddam, but our loss is your gain! If you call now, we’ll give you any one of these malefactors and throw in a second for half-off!

  • Looking for reasons to invade a country, before or after the fact? From forgeries to centrifuges, we’re your one-stop shop for imminent threat accessories!

  • Who bombed Pan Am Flight 103? Libya? Syria? At prices this low, why settle for just one?

  • Got the red-baiting blues? Name your enemy, and our resident ex-Communist insiders will establish a link to the Kremlin! Vietnam War protestors, Arafat, Gadhafi—let’s play six degrees of Joseph Stalin!

And at Crazy Matt’s, we don’t just manufacture dirt; we shovel it over your skeletons, too. Jihadists in your closet? Barbarians in your coalition? Record to rhetoric dissonance? Pesky promises from campaigns past? No sweat! We specialize in misdirection. The way we see it, for every death in Iraq there must be at least two laughable Frenchmen.

So hurry on down and make the most of your election-year leisure! 2005 is going to be busy!

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