My fellow Americans, Im angry. My blood started bubbling when I read that our government is still paying $340,000 per month to Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi, who calls himself a “hero in error” for spreading distortions that midwifed a war, is pulling down four million a year? Outrageous!
After all, the economys going through a rough spot. In this time of uncertainty and unemployment, we can ill afford more outsourcing. Yet, heres Uncle Sam taking good jobs in intelligence manipulation away from Americans and giving them to foreignersand its not like were paying sweatshop wages for the labor, either.
Moreover, if we aim to rule the world while running a first-class welfare state, then were gonna have to at least feign a little fiscal responsibility. Benevolent hegemony, national greatness, gourmet bread and well-regulated circuseswe want it all, and we want it fast. With the current pace of medical technology, however, the long run in which a great sage once said well all be dead now seems farther away than ever. You wanna get caught with a smirk on your face and a paw full of IOUs when the kids figure out that todays deficits are tomorrows slavery? I think not.
Thats why I, as a patriot and an entrepreneur, am offering my intelligence expertise to those who want to save a little money and buy American. Announcing the grand opening of Crazy Matts Bargain Intelligence Warehouse! Our shady but telegenic staff will be happy to assist you in designing a casus belli that fits your needs, at prices far below our competitors. Wow Congress, outsmart the media, bamboozle the publicand marvel at your savings. With our help, youll be hopping from tactical pivot to strategic pivot to prize in no time!
The following is just a brief sample of our inventory:
Which country helped Saddam the most? France? Germany? Russia? North Korea? At Crazy Matts, were overstocked on non-U.S. culpability for Saddam, but our loss is your gain! If you call now, well give you any one of these malefactors and throw in a second for half-off!
Jean-Bertrand Aristide: necklacing goon, or champion of democracy? Were the peddlers for meddlers of all stripes, and with our ten-year warranty, you can switch from opposition to support at any time, or your money back!
Got the red-baiting blues? Name your enemy, and our resident ex-Communist insiders will establish a link to the Kremlin! Vietnam War protestors, Arafat, Gadhafilets play six degrees of Joseph Stalin!
And at Crazy Matts, we dont just manufacture dirt; we shovel it over your skeletons, too. Jihadists in your closet? Barbarians in your coalition? Record to rhetoric dissonance? Pesky promises from campaigns past? No sweat! We specialize in misdirection. The way we see it, for every death in Iraq there must be at least two laughable Frenchmen.
Read more by matt
- Et Tu, Pat? – October 30th, 2004
- The Weapons No One Looked For – October 27th, 2004
- Understanding America’s Terrorist Crisis: What Should Be Done? – September 15th, 2004
- The Honest Case for War – June 23rd, 2004
- What Would Reagan Do? – June 9th, 2004