New York to Build ‘Dark Tower of Barad-dur’ on WTC Site

New York, N.Y., Feb. 1 – At a press conference held today near Ground Zero in lower Manhattan, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg joined New York Governor George Pataki, Attorney General John Ashcroft and other civic leaders to announce the final building design selected to stand on the site of the former World Trade Center. After much back and forth and almost a dozen proposed designs, the plan chosen was that entitled: “The Dark Tower: Barad-dûr,” submitted by the Chelsea-based firm of Shelob, Morgoth & Balrog, LLP. The tower, when completed in 2006, is expected to rise some 2,000 feet from the ground, making it the tallest and most fearsome monument in Middle Earth. Its walls of solid granite will be faced by black obsidian, and punctuated irregularly by oval windows, turrets, battlements, parapets and fully functional gargoyles – rendering the new tower impermeable to siege. The Dark Tower’s security from the air will be guaranteed by a squadron of specially designed defensive drones or “Nazgul,” which will seek out and destroy any aircraft, bird, or other winged creature that approaches within 1000 feet of the grim citadel. To foster evacuation in case of disaster, the building will eschew elevators, relying instead on 33 innovative spiral stone staircases that will snake pathlessly around a central “bottomless chasm,” down which intruders or terrorist suspects will be cast after questioning, noted Ashcroft.

The Dark Tower itself will serve primarily as government office-space, containing the New York field headquarters of the Department of Homeland Security, the northeastern divisions of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Immigration and Naturalization Service, and the Justice Department – in addition to slave armies of soulless goblins, which government scientists hope to clone and breed in its vast dungeon spaces, as cannon fodder in the War on Terror. Said Mr. Ashcroft at the announcement: “There’s nothing in the Constitution protecting the ‘rights’ of sub-humanoid orcs, crafted by torturing and twisting the genes of hapless enemy prisoners. Or protecting those prisoners, come to think of it.”

At the apex of the Tower will stand the architects’ proudest achievement: the “Lidless Eye,” an ultra-modern, multi-dimensional surveillance device, permitting federal anti-terror authorities to scan radio, phone and other transmissions for signs of terrorist activity – as well as to read the very thoughts of their enemies, piercing the veil of their inmost thoughts and rending their hearts with despair. Privacy groups greeted this aspect of the announcement with dismay. “I can understand the need for domestic security – and the attractiveness of the design,” said Noah Jacobson, Secretary of the New York Civil Liberties Union. “The sheer, soul-annihilating power of this black monolith should serve to reduce all manner of crime and anti-social activity within 100 miles,” Jacobson predicted, “reducing a once-free city to a necropolis of cringing slaves. We have no problem with that. But a Lidless Eye that interrogates the souls of every person who slinks or crawls through the five boroughs – this could raise some serious Fourth Amendment issues.” Jacobson predicted that legal challenges would dog the completion of the Tower, as long as it included the surveillance component.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the ranking Bush Administration official to attend the unveiling of the plans for the Barad-dûr, dismissed such concerns, averring, “Surely you cannot expect such halflings to prevail against the Lidless Eye. No one can.”

Mayor Bloomberg also addressed the concerns of family members of those killed in the terrorist attack that brought down the original World Trade Center towers. “I think we’re all aware of the extreme sensitivity of this site,” said Bloomberg to the assembled crowd of curious New Yorkers. “It’s important that whatever we build here symbolize three things: remembrance of the fallen, enhanced domestic security, and savage retribution. This memorable design fulfills all three criteria.” Bloomberg predicted that the Tower would cost much less than the estimated $800 million price-tag given by its architects, due to savings in labor costs. “The vast reaches of the Barad-dûr will be constructed by armies of slaves, whom we have conquered in our wars and conveyed back to the Tower in the bellies of black ships, who will labor in its sunless depths for what remains of their days,” he explained. Members of New York City construction unions are expected to contest this aspect of the plan.

In his closing remarks, Secretary Rumsfeld attributed the original inspiration for the Tower to his long-time associate, Richard “Prince of Darkness” Perle, chairman of the Defense Policy Board, and key strategist in the administration’s War on Terror. Rumsfeld linked the construction of the Tower to projected major initiatives in that campaign – including the forging of “rings of power,” anti-terror weapons which the U.S. will distribute to nations that support its efforts. Highly-placed sources in the White House have revealed that nine such rings will be provided to key members of the European Union, seven to friendly regimes in the Middle East, and three to U.S. strategic partners Russia, China, and Japan. External critics of the Bush strategy have pointed to leaks suggesting that yet another ring will be forged, to remain in American hands and reside within the Dark Tower itself. Rumsfeld denied such reports, dubbing these administration critics “unpatriotic,” and predicting that “the Master of the Precious will punish them, yes he will.”

Read more by John Zmirak